Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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