Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
