got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
