just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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