Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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