rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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