you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
