morning after pill = breakfast in bed
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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