I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
