When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Randomize
