this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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