She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
