Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
