I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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