hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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