I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
