So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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