Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
me + whiskey = a bad person
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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