Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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