So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
