if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
