No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
