He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Help. Why am I so naked?
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