I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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