i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
