today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
