Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
