just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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