Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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