you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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