He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
