90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Randomize
