conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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