At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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