the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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