I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
