Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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