I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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