just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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