Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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