Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
