never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
