i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize