Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I would ride that face into the sunset
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
