If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
