I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
