Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
