I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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