I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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