if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
