It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
