Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
