the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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