I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
