4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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