i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
