Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
