I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
