I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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