so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
